Monthly Archives: December 2016

Overcome the Need to be Perfect by Terri Cole

Do you tell yourself that once you lose the twenty pounds you’ll be ready to dive into the dating pool?

What level of success do you think you need to reach before you are worthy of being loved?

Are you harsh and critical of yourself and others for any small mistake?

Perfectionism not only causes you stress and unnecessary anxiety from this perceived need to always “get it right,” it actually prevents you from moving forward in your life and your relationships.

The need to be perfect can be a result of an array of dysfunctional childhood experiences. This creates a fear of failure, which can make you extremely sensitive to any criticism, causing people to tip-toe around you and preventing them from communicating honestly with you.

You can’t share yourself authentically if you are always adapting your behavior to please others so they won’t reject you. So rather than looking at perfectionism as a synonym for success, let’s see it for what it truly is: a roadblock on your journey to real love, with yourself and with others.

Click here for a checklist to analyze your potential perfectionist behaviors and leave me a comment here on the blog to let me know if it expanded your level of awareness about this topic. And don’t forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel for direct access to every video from the Real Love Revolution each week, and please share the #RealLoveRevolution on social media because we could all use a little more love!

The Danger of Saying “I don’t have time for this.”

As ladies, we attempt to tuck our super capes behind our pumps and pencil skirts. Office politics encourage us to check emotions at the door, which we are great at doing most of the time. However, we must also recognize that our super power does not lie in our ability to have it all together. On the contrary, that kryptonite prevents us from reaching our best selves.

There I was at my first “big girl job”. After graduating college, I moved five hours away from home and jumped head first into the marketing field in the music business, an industry I dreamed of working in since I was a teenager. I always welcomed a challenge and felt excited about the opportunity, yet I quickly learned things were different in the fire. My Type A personality was struggling to grasp the spontaneity of the ever changing environment, but I was determined to hang on.

By the third month, I found myself standing in front of the paper towel dispenser in the restroom with a tissue pushed up to my bloody nose. My initial thought was similar to that of any other alpha female in a fast paced environment – “I don’t have time for this.” My mind raced back to all the tasks waiting at my desk; including getting my car fixed that conveniently decided go out earlier that afternoon. I did not want to be known as the girl who had all the problems, so I did my best to keep my mouth shut as I tiptoed out the office to the restroom.

As I grabbed another tissue, I took two seconds to look in the mirror. It was at that moment that I finally connected the dots between my fluctuating appetite, changes in hair texture, and this random body malfunction. I looked in my own eyes and said it out loud, “girl, you’re stressed.”

I had operated in stress plenty of times before and was aware of the emotional wear and tear it could produce; but a physical manifestation like this was unusual for me. I knew this was a red flag and decided that before I dropped dead, I would heed the sign. No one else was in this bathroom and I felt safe to hang up my cape for a second.

I slowly cracked a smile because I looked ridiculous attempting to look like I had it all together. The reality was, I didn’t have a working car, I still had a few hours left in the work day, and my nose was bleeding! I took a deep breath and made a decision: if I was going to survive, I had to learn how to humble myself and ask for help. I had to learn how to check myself before my body checked me. I had to learn how to make time for this.

I pulled myself together and returned to the office. I told my boss what was happening and she arranged for me to catch a ride home with one of her friends after work. Although I still carried some of the anxiety of the day when I got home, I released the idea that I had to be perfect. No one makes it through their careers alone and I realized that choosing to drown in a sea of stress when there are life savers available to use at my disposal was not a wise decision.

Humility is a thread interwoven within your super cape alongside many other attributes. When times are busy at work, stop for a second and take inventory:

  • Are your comments more abrasive than usual?
  • Have you gained/lost weight?
  • Have you rocked the same outfit or hairstyle more than two weeks in a row? (seriously girl, – take down that bun)

Begin to schedule in recreational activities, sleep, and meals just like you do any other meeting. Setting boundaries will help you stay in tune with yourself mentally and physically. It is important to distinguish between doing your best and being the best. Both can be accomplished, but you must take care of you in order to do so.

Post by Vannesia Darby

Vannesia Darby is a young millennial with an old soul. As a blogger and an entrepreneur in the field of digital marketing, she specializes in management, marketing, and motivation. You can follow Vannesia on Instagram and Twitter.



How You Can Use Mindfulness To Overcome Any Challenge That Comes Your Way

We know meditation is a great way to improve our quality of life—it makes us happier, more productive, and improves our relationships. But practicing mindfulness is just as important for getting us through the hard times.

A year ago, I was faced with the greatest challenge of my life when I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis at 26 years old. What started with a little pain in my feet within a couple of months had become chronic pain in my entire body. I quickly went from being a personal trainer, aerialist, and movement junkie to not being able to dress myself, cut my own food, or even tie my shoelaces.

My whole world had shifted, and so began the journey of adapting to my new situation. Key to my recovery was my meditation practice, which had been an important part of my life for many years. Without my knowledge of mindfulness, my world during this time would have been a much darker place. This serves as a reminder that working on ourselves in the best of times is extremely important so that when the hard times come around, we are prepared to deal with them.

This is how mindfulness can help you overcome challenges.

Mindfulness gives you perspective.

Mindfulness allows you to take a step back from your current situation and view things objectively, without making an emotional judgment about the situation. When times are hard, adopting a new perspective can help you find gratitude and find the positives in a seemingly dark place.

Despite my pain, I’m constantly grateful for my young, strong body that allows me to work through my illness and that I have a wonderful, loving support network.

Mindfulness helps you process anger.

Oftentimes, seemingly unfair circumstances that are outside of our control can make us angry. When we are angry, we are in a bad mood and our relationships suffer. Mindfulness teaches us to explain our anger instead of expressing it, and to respond to situations instead of reacting to them. We learn to take a breath before letting our emotions get the better of us, making sure we don’t take our anger out on other people.

Mindfulness leads you to acceptance.

A huge part of overcoming any difficult situation is accepting that it cannot be changed. Mindfulness helps us accept our circumstances for what they are, helping us come to terms with the fact that they may not be able to change. Mindfulness also reminds us that while our circumstances may not change, our attitude toward them can. You can choose how you live with the cards you have been dealt.

Mindfulness gives you clarity.

The perspective that we gain from mindfulness results is clarity. Once we remove the fog from the emotional response and have a clear view of what has happened, mindfulness allows us to make a rational and carefully considered plan of action on how to proceed. While sometimes I feel like I just want to spend the whole day in bed feeling sorry for myself for being in pain, every day I wake up, meditate, and prepare myself to tackle another day.

Mindfulness helps you take care of yourself.

Mindfulness is a vital part of any self-care routine. When we meditate we are able to tap into our needs and understand the importance of looking after ourselves. When met with challenging situations, a key part in getting through it is listening to your body and understanding what it needs.

Your Body Image Match: It May Be Different than You Think

Your Body Image Match: It May Be Different than You Think

Many women wish that they loved themselves, and yet unhealthy body image often gets in the way of feeling worthy to find a mate or date!

We are constantly bombarded with images of beautiful, exotic, airbrushed women staring out at us from the covers of magazines with come-hither eyes and glossy lips, looking ultra glamorous on television and in the movies.

The one thing they all have in common?

They are skinny.

OK. I know times are changing. We had our first chunkier model, Ashley Graham, on a Sports Illustrated cover this year however, we all know most of the images we still see are of thin beautiful women.

It’s no fun for anyone to have to follow the “ideal” of beauty—especially when you don’t fit the mold.

Most of us don’t fit the mold. In fact, some of us feel like we are the jello made by the mold.

Millions of Americans are overweight. While you can take comfort in the fact that you are not alone, it doesn’t make it feel any better to feel like you will be the one least likely to be picked because of how you look.

While it’s true that body size does not dictate low body image, most heavy women who look in the mirror are disgusted with themselves. Soon they refuse to look in the mirror, because they have started to loathe the person they see reflected in it.

But how can someone love you if you don’t love yourself first? 

A person’s outside appearance makes them forget about the wonderful person on the inside. They lose sight of that because we live in a society where so much emphasis is put on appearance. Internal change is necessary as a coping mechanism with all of the external stimulus being thrown our way.

The good news is that no one is trapped. There is a mate for everyone who is seeking one. And the clearer you get into your power and feel your beauty from the inside out, the quicker you will attract that mate.

For those of you who like numbers, it’s a simple equation:

You Loving Yourself RIGHT NOW + You Showing Self-Love = Get Mate! @laurafenamore (Click to Tweet!)

It’s that simple. Here are three easy steps to follow to make this equation work:

  1. Love Yourself RIGHT NOW. This moment. Whether you are eating Ho-Hos or a banana, at work or taking care of a child, wearing overalls or holey underwear or a bad perm… whatever, just stop, and say, “I love you, [insert your name here].” It will probably feel silly at first. Who cares? Do it again. And again. And again, until you believe it… and keep doing it—in the mirror, in your reflection in the elevator (next to that guy who always smells like Vicks vapo-rub), wherever you see yourself. Every time you want to say something negative, say, “I love you,” and then blow a kiss at yourself!

  2. Show You Love Yourself. Take YOURSELF out on a date. Get yourself nice things, rub your shoulders or your feet (or whatever else feels like getting rubbed…!), send yourself a card or flowers. Court yourself! Why not? You’re in love, and that’s what people in love do.

  3. Get Your Mate! Your mate will fall in love with you just as you have fallen head-over-heels for yourself. He or she will see you at the movies, laughing with your real, true laugh—or eating at a restaurant, smiling over your meal and savoring every bite. He or she will think, “Who IS that mysterious God/Goddess over there? I must talk to him/her, take him/her on approximately two-point-five dates, and then propose for marriage immediately!”

Beauty is an inside job and it is up to each individual to recognize their beauty. Because when one uses others to see their self-worth and beauty, it usually backfires in the long run.

The person of your dreams, your soul mate, as cliché as this may sound, will see you, not the let’s-try to-impress-others-you, but the real, you.

So your body image match isn’t necessarily someone who weighs the same, looks the same, or buys the same clothes as you do. It’s the person whose heart was created to match yours.

It is who you are, not what you look like.

That doesn’t mean that you need to carry around an ultrasound machine, checking out every potential candidate and seeing if their right angle is parallel to yours. It means you can walk around confident that no matter who you are and what you look like, your soul mate will see you for who you really are—and love you for it.

Yes, attraction matters. But it’s not sustainable in the long run if hearts and minds do not meet as well.

So be yourself, love your looks and from that place and space you will attract the person of your dreams.